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I own around a thousand bombs. I keep them stored in the basement of my home like any other responsible and intelligent individual would have them.
I caught my ex-girlfriend trying to steal one once. So, I blew her ass up. Then, I blew up the rest of her too.
Then, her family got upset that I blew her up and tried to blow me up. In self-defense, I blew them up too.
My family got wind of this news and told me to stop. That really got under my skin. So, I blew them up too. Serves them right for fucking me up the way they did.
I figured by now, the rest of the neighborhood had found out I’m a bomb enthusiast. They’d probably try to blow me up. So, I blew up every house on the block except mine, just to be safe.
Then, I heard sirens all day and night. It blew my head to smithereens several days in a row. So, I blew up the police and fire department.
At last — peace and quiet!
Then, I saw myself on the front page of the local newspaper.
BOMB ENTHUSIAST ASSHOLE DECIMATES NEIGHBORHOOD.
So I’m famous now.
Neat.
If I weren’t such a luddite, I’d put this in my Instagram bio. I decided to go to the local newspaper company office and thank them for giving me attention. Larry Freedman was the one who broke the story. I had lunch with Larry the next day and blew him up afterwards.
Then, helicopters started circling my house. I blew them up, all twenty of ’em, in a row.
One day, I had finally had enough and decided to go blow up the governor. He was really pissing me off. There was no way I was going to get my beauty sleep with him running the show.
I walked along the concrete strip and was stopped by a cat. I petted the cat.
I continued walking until I reached the burger joint I used to frequent with my ex-girlfriend. I ordered a cheeseburger. I ate it and walked out. I blew up the burger joint. Their burgers have only gotten worse with time.
I finally reached the governor’s house.
Knock-knock.
The governor opened the door, revealing a nuclear warhead in his right hand.
“So asshole,” the governor said. “We can either do this the easy way or the hard way. Which will it be, huh?”
Without hesitation, I threw a bomb at the governor’s face. The whole city blew up that day. I almost blew up. Then, I realized that this would make a great short story and I can’t write a short story if I’m fucking dead. So, I asked God to let me live and write this story and he said “whatever”.
As for the governor, he is currently in stable condition and is set to be released next Wednesday. I’m not worried about him though. He knows not to fuck with me now.
With all that said and done, I now sit on my sofa and listen to the birds chirp outside.
