|||
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
22 July 2024 at 14:34
Hey girl heyyyy! I hope you’re having the BEST time in Costa Rica. Pleaseeee send me pics of cute sloths and parrots and whatever the fuck else they have over there as SOON as you have wifi. Sooo you’ll never guess where I am. Remember Rob who I started dating just before you left? Well things must be going well because he invited me to his family’s holiday home. I’m literally writing this from SWITZERLAND. Can you believe. I can barely afford a trip to Brighton but here I am in a stunning SWISS CHALET with lake views. Things are looking up for me babyyyy. Loads of his family and family friends are also here, I’m not quite sure I really grasped the reality of how posh he is until now. Feeling just a little out of place. ANYWAY it’s been good, it’s fucking boiling and also stunning but like, duh, we’re in Switzerland, and you can actually swim in the lakes here and not feel like you’re gonna get poisoned from all the pollution, not like when we swim in our beloved shit filled River Avon back in England (do you miss it yet?) We went paddle boarding today on Lake Lucerne and sunbathed, Rob’s Mum (who’s like so chic btw, she’s kind of an almond Mom, but the kind where like, she prefers the only calories she consumes be through alcohol, which I can kinda get on board with) made mimosas and we drank them in the garden when we got back like highly civilised and classy people. I had an out of body experience where I was looking at myself drinking a mimosa, in a white bikini (I bought a new one specifically for this trip cause I felt awks wearing that old black thong one I have around Rob’s parents) in Switzerland in a beautiful chalet, like I’m that bitch. Like I have more than £57 in my bank account. I dunno who I think I am. Anyway, that’s all to say it’s going great and Rob is looking sexier than ever and I’m getting a tan thank god, (I hope you are too, give the factor 50 a break for once pleaseee), but.
One thing.
I just have to tell you one little thing.
I’m probably just dehydrated from the day drinking and being out in the sun but I have been feeling a little weird. I don’t know, I can’t really put my finger on it. Something about the smell of the house. The chalet. I mean, it’s stunning, they all are here. I’m obsessed with how personalised they are. Each house has something unique, like different coloured shutters (personal fave is dark forest green cause it looks so good against the dark brown wood, chef’s kiss) some have little hearts cut out of the wood on their porches, how cute! Some have amazing hanging baskets just pouring with these beautiful red flowers. It honestly makes me depressed to think about the houses back home. Like fucking hell, houses in England look like they’re all brutalist architecture masterpieces.
But the wood smell is overpowering. Like first it’s intoxicating, like you know when you go into a forest just after it’s rained? I know you love that smell. It’s like that. But idk, after a day I was starting to feel…itchy? Like irritated, restless, and I kept coming back to the wood smell. I just can’t focus on anything else. Even right now as I’m typing this on my laptop from bed, the room stinks. The bed is made of wood too, it’s this massive grand frame, handcrafted by Rob’s great great uncle or something, it’s spruce, I think. I mean it’s gorgeous. It beats my rusty metal frame from Ikea. But the smelllllllll. It’s like permeating into my skin. I’m struggling to sleep. I just lie there, listening to Rob’s heavy breathing, feeling…agitated.
Also I can hear scratching in the walls.
I woke Rob up the first few times but he said he couldn’t hear it. I promise you it’s there. And once my ears tune into it, it’s like I’m just waiting, holding my breath, waiting to hear the next scratch. Ugh. I might try and record it on my phone tonight, so I can prove it to Rob. Maybe they need to get the house fumigated or some shit. I don’t know what kind of bugs or pests they have out here. ANYWAY this email is far too long and who knows when you’ll have wifi to even read it. Love you girl and hope you’re having the best time. Adios, mi amiga. Pure vida…that’s what the Costa Ricans say, right?
Nina xxxxxxxxxxx
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 3:45am
Me again. I can’t sleep. The smell is overwhelming. Rob’s lying next to me, fast asleep. God he looks gorgeous, his lips are so perfect and…I think he clenches his teeth when he’s sleeping. Tonight was kind of weird. We went out for dinner, Rob’s parents were adamant on me trying some Swiss delicacies and everything was going well. It was at this stunning chalet with these deep, red toned wood walls, and these solid wooden tables with candles. The place was glowing. It stunk of wood, as everything does here, but also of cheese. His parents ordered us raclette and a gruyere plate with mixed raw vegetables. It was a lot of cheese, but it was good. You would have loved it. I was only feeling slightly sick and Rob’s cousin was telling stories about his time in Peru and his experience doing ayahuasca (thoughts??? Don’t do it without me in Costa Rica pls) and suddenly I heard this ticking in my head. Not a ticking. A banging. Hmm. Something in between. Rob’s like, ‘Nina, tell everyone about when you did mushrooms for the first time’ but my head is so loud, it’s louder than the whole room of chatter, and I say I have a headache and Rob’s Dad is like, ‘it’s probably from all the cheese, ha ha,’ but it’s actually, I’m pretty sure, from all the fucking WOOD. I don’t say that though, obvs. I just force a smile and then Rob says he’ll just get us a taxi home now so I can rest, and dinner is almost over anyway, so it’s not a big deal. When we get outside I feel better, briefly, and then the ticking/banging happens again and I almost fall to the ground. I promise I only had like two glasses of wine at dinner, and I guess this is what a migraine is like? People who have migraines are always like ‘migraines are so much worse than a headache in fact they’re not even the same’ and you don’t really believe them until you’ve experienced I guess cause yeah, this wasn’t a fucking headache. I pretty much have to be carried into the taxi and we drive with my head between my knees like the brace position on a plane and Rob, angel Rob, gets me into bed and gets me some of his Mum’s pills, not paracetamol, idk what it was but it was good shit because I woke up three hours later. So far my head has been quiet. No more knocking. But it feels…different. Heavy, somehow. Like something was there and left a mark, an indent. And now I can’t sleep because of the smell and the scratching in the walls from mice or whatever lives in the walls of a Swiss Chalet.
I have no idea what time it is there for you. I wonder if you are sleeping or if you are out hiking to a volcano or surfing at the beach or whatever other stupidly amazing thing it is you are doing out there. Miss you girl. Really hoping you get wifi soon. Maybe my migraine is a withdrawal side effect from not talking to you.
Nina xxxxxxxxx
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 13:00
So I think something is wrong with me. Lolololol I know we know that already. But this time something seriously is wrong with me and I don’t really know what to do about it. Two scenarios. Maybe three. One, I’m losing my mind, which, I know I’ve lost many times before, but this time, instead of it being a kind of, Sussana from Girl Interrupted way, this time it’s like, Lisa. From same film. Second scenario, I’ve got a parasite or a tumour fucking with my brain. Third scenario, I’m being drugged and this whole holiday is a ploy to mess with me, some stupid little poor girl who can’t afford her own trip to Switzerland. Maybe Rob’s family like to do this every year, invite some girl to paradise and make her go insane for their sick twisted pleasure. Which one seems more likely to you? Right now I’m leaning towards losing my mind but also the parasite because although the lakes feel clean here, who knows what’s lurking in the water. Maybe the water pollution actually kills all of the brain eating parasites off in England. Thoughts?? Seriously begging you to get wifi soon. But when you do get it and read these emails don’t panic too much. You don’t need to come and get me or talk me off a ledge again or anything like that. I just need a second opinion.
I guess I finally got to sleep last night cause I woke up and Rob was in the shower. I could hear the water running and I was just lying there, feeling grateful to have finally got some sleep, and then I heard the scratching again. I’d only ever heard it at night before. So I fling the sheets away from me and run out of bed, following the sound. I find it. I hold my hand against the wood. Not only can I hear the scratching but I can FEEL it against the palm of my hand, the wood vibrating. It tickles. Rob comes in from the bathroom and I’m like, ‘Rob, there is definitely something in the walls! I can feel it!’ And he comes over, naked, and touches where I’m touching, and looks at me and laughs. He’s like, ‘babe, there’s nothing there. You’re being paranoid.’ And I’m like, ‘no, I tracked the sound to this piece of wood, and I could feel something scratching on the other side. Why is it so hard to believe you have mice? Is Switzerland too posh for mice?’ And he’s like, ‘no, it’s actually quite common to have mice infestations here, we’ve had mice before but that was in the kitchen, and anyway, no one else can hear the scratching but you.’ And then we get distracted by his nakedness (and by a different kind of wood, HA, sorry) and we have sex, and usually, it’s really good, like maybe the best ever, but this time I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t stop searching for the scratching, listening for it, following it with my ears. It felt like something was calling to me. That’s when I realised I am going insane. Parasite or otherwise, I am losing it and no one else can hear the scratching but me.
But regardless, it is calling to me. Maybe it has a message for me. Whatever it is, it wants me to notice it, feel its vibrations against the wall. Rob went to play golf with the boys and I spent over an hour, face pressed up to the wall, the alpine smell flooding my senses, making me dizzy, high, the dark, rich brown of the wood drawing me in. I stared at each individual line in the wood, followed each blemish and twisted around with each knot until my eyes blurred and everything in the whole world looked like timber.
Ha ha yeah. I’m not okay, am I?
Nina xxxxxxx
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 17:56
My Nina, what is going on?!? I’m glad to hear things are going well with Rob, what a plot twist, you in Switzerland! I thought you were gonna have a broke girl summer. Costa Rica is indeed amazing and I’ve seen more cool animals than you can imagine, yes cute sloths, also crocodiles and snakes (I got told off by my guide for wearing sandals on our trek because obvs, exposed toes, not the best idea…oops). I refuse to put down the factor 50. My pale ass is NOT getting burnt again, and tanning ages you, remember?!
Anyway, what the fuck is going on babe? The scratching in the walls, the wood smell, the migraine. Are you sure you haven’t been overdoing it on the drink? Sorry, not trying to be accusatory. I’m just trying to piece it all together. Rationally. The other part of me is wondering, is the house…sorry, chalet, fucking haunted? Because I noticed in your suggestion of the three possible scenarios taking place, you didn’t consider the fact that the house might be haunted by a Swiss ghost who is trying to taunt the only outsider there. How many days do you have left there? Maybe do some meditation, deep breathing, also maybe pour salt around your bed and envision yourself wrapped in divine protective light…just in case??? I hope I’m not making it worse. Just trying to help. Pls don’t go full Lisa from Girl Interrupted on me.
I’m in a restaurant that has wifi but the food is shit so I can only stay so long. Hopefully I’ll find some internet again ASAP.
Luvvv youu Jen x
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 19:00
Damn I can’t believe I missed you :( :( :(
I don’t have data here either, only the wifi back at the house (my phone plan tried to charge me £20 to use 5GB, wtf). We were in Zurich today. Low key boringggg. Or maybe it’s just me, the headspace I’m in right now…I can’t think about anything but the house. The wood. The scratching. My head is still ticking. Quieter this time and it doesn’t hurt as bad, now I’m used to it. And I’ve noticed it only happens when I’m outside the house. It’s not constant. Every now and then, one two three, one two three, and then it goes back to where it hides for a while before doing it again. It makes me feel anxious and unsettled, like a craving, a really deep craving that I need to satisfy to feel good again. And it is satisfied, when I’m back at the house. In the bedroom. With my head against the wall, my forehead and nose and lips pressed up against the wood. Listening to the scratching. Feeling the vibrations pulse through the wood and into my skull. Soothing the ticking sound. That’s where I’m supposed to be. Babe I know I sound weird but what’s new, and I’ve thought about your haunted house theory but it just doesn’t feel…right. It doesn’t feel anything like when you lived in that flat that was definitely haunted by the old lady who used to live there. There was an energy there, an energy that felt unnatural and stuck. This energy is vibrant. It’s alive. It’s magnetic and it’s drawing me closer. It’s almost like as much as I crave it, it’s also craving me. I haven’t told Rob, obviouslyyyyyyyy. Cause he knows I’m a bit weird but not THIS weird. Only you know that. And I think we only need to worry when I’m not aware of how deranged I’m being, right? Until then, we can assume all is well.
Right?
Hope you get more wifi soon. Hope you get some better food soon.
Nina xxxxxxxxxxxx
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 22:32
I think I’m beginning to understand what the thing in the walls wants from me. Except, it’s not actually a ‘thing’ but just the walls themselves. The wood.
Rob’s parents hired a chef to cook us all dinner (!!!) so that was a relief for me to be able to stay in the house. I was starving but as soon as I could actually smell the food, I started to feel nauseous. And then I had no appetite. Which as you know, rare for me, but as you also know, I hateeee to be rude so I forced down some rosti, sipped some wine, and tried my best to engage in the convos. But all I could think about was going back upstairs. Rob’s Aunt was, ironically, telling a story about a mental breakdown she had in the 80’s which was, in her words, ‘tragic and embarrassing at the time, but quite a funny story now’. I felt my hands wandering under the table, feeling the gentle roughness of the wood, the delicious ridges, and then - ouch. A splinter. A piece of wood slid itself into the bed of my index finger nail. Deep. I jumped from the shock and the pain and slammed my hand into the table. Some wine spilled and everyone looked at me, confused. I managed to choke out the words, ‘sorry, I just got a splinter,’ and then I quickly excused myself to the bathroom. Jen, I was shaking. But not from pain. I was in a state of bliss, like I was the perfect amount of high (not like when I did mushrooms for the first time), and maybe, close to an orgasm. You know that part just before you come, when you know it’s about to happen and you can finally let go and just ride the wave. That part is almost better for me than actually finishing. Anyway, all that to say, the splinter did something magical to me. Connecting with the wood in that way…it was literally inside of me. That’s when it clicked for me. There isn’t anything in the walls. Silly me. There are no mice, no hive of wasps or a chalet ghost. It’s the walls, the wood itself. It’s alive.
Rob came to check on me in the bathroom and found me squeezing my finger, watching the tiny pin pricks of blood blossoming out from under my nail bed. He grabbed my hand and kissed my nail like the sweet boy he is (scenario three was never really a serious option) and opened the bathroom cabinet to find some tweezers. I watched as he carefully pulled the perfect shard of wood from my nail, with it, pulling me out of my euphoria. Poor, sweet Rob. He didn’t realise I wasn’t trying to get the splinter out. I was trying to push it deeper.
Keep your toes covered!!!!!
Nina xxxxxxxx
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
23 July 2024 at 11:46
Jen.
I figured out what the wood wants from me and why it’s been calling to me. It’s none of the scenarios we first discussed. It’s a fifth scenario that we couldn’t have predicted. Listen, I won’t be able to write any more emails after this one, my love. I have to go somewhere. But don’t worry about me. Everything is working out exactly as it should, as you always say, and you really do know best.
After dinner, everyone went outside for cocktails and cigars and in normal circumstances I would never say no to a cocktail but as I’m sure you know by now, these are not normal circumstances. So I told Rob I had a headache again. I do feel bad about lying to him since he really is so bloody lovely, but I had to do what I had to do. Rob’s Auntie mentioned something about the altitude and how it took her a while to get used to it, which was perfect to back up my story and I received it gratefully, saying that yes I’d been googling and I think that it is affecting me, and maybe some more sleep would be best. I slunk off upstairs, trying not to seem too gleeful, and as soon as I opened the door to the bedroom, I felt that buzz of energy, calling to me. Now that the wood knows I understand it, I don’t hear the scratching anymore. Now, the whole room pulsates. It’s like our energies are synching and joining as one frequency. Kind of like when you and I are together (miss you). I wish you could experience this with me. It’s almost like the same feeling you get from going to a sound bath, apart from there is no sound, and the magnetic feeling is 100x more powerful. I do feel powerful. I feel connected and a part of something bigger. I hope you understand what I mean.
In the room I bathed in the energy of the wood, and crawled under the bed and took off all my clothes and let the wood touch every part of my body. I turned over on my front and started to inhale the wood, as deep as I could, and lick it and taste it and before I realised I was scratching, no clawing is a better way of describing it, clawing at the wood, splinters filled my nails, hundreds of splinters, pushing against my nail beds and forcing their way in until it almost felt like my nails were going to rip off. I kept clawing, driven by something innate and all knowing, until larger pieces of wood were coming away from the floor. I started to eat them. Ha ha don’t laugh but seriously, I gathered them up by the fist full and shoved them into my mouth and chewed — but I couldn’t swallow. Instead a shower of sawdust rained out of me and the vibrations grew stronger, I felt purged, I felt cured of everything wrong in my body and so I kept clawing and I kept eating until I had carved a perfect hole into the floor big enough to fully submerge my head and envelop myself in the fabricated thicket. And that, babe, is when I realised what the wood wants from me. What I need from the wood. A symbiotic relationship where we perfectly and carefully, destroy each other from the inside out.
Love u forever
Nina xxxxxxx
