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It was nice to meet your boyfriend
but I am unsure about the slope of the driveway
it is not easy, requires an emergency break
So different
nostalgia
for subway piss and bearded boys
When I am really ill
when I just can’t stand it any longer
I go there sometimes
just to walk
an infusion of life
nowhere to get to really
No one in particular I want to see
affords the greatest chance
of anonymity
I could otherwise not afford
the smells of strangers
and warmth coming off a pool at night
The coming and going
sometimes just staying
were I to choose, I would choose dying
The bed and breakfast
in the Catskills
would be okay
For now I walk on gravel
and repeat to myself “the sandy road”
a fine, Pavlovian sentence
I can’t hear crickets there
the humid summer
stops their talking
But I can see that silence
my breath leaving my mouth
under the porch light—which is nice
You want warmth
fibers purring
and striated
Two years ago
contracture
on a long cold strike
I came to
this buzzing in my head
my eyes blurring underground
I won’t bore you with details beyond
“my head swivels like a chair”
face numb, jaw clenched
For two years waiting
to wake up
and get my face back
There’s a hurting
that makes me want
to pulverize my mouth
This urge
this weakness twitching
down the arms, legs, chest
Okay, let me write a book
slough off this strange sensation
and give it away
Tissue, bone, skin, tooth,
run warm water over
your seizing hand
She has made pour-over coffee—
calmly washes the mug—
will she find me out?
Last thing I want
is to be a pity—
a boring story if I ever conjured one
I’d like some friends
I said to a woman
in an airport bar
What kind?
the only kind
I’ve missed so far
A few fine souls
up here
in the evergreens
I’m sure of it now
a sense that humanity could have surprised me
made me rethink a lot of things
Thank you
if nobody ever says it again
there you are
For what?
there is no for what
sometimes
I learned pretty late
closed-eyed hunter that I am
that desire is not a perpetual drive
Sometimes it’s coffee during the daytime
a bed and breakfast
and the good sun that pisses off the crickets
In the best moments
it washes away
and then you find you are happy
IG: @marie.landau
